Writer’s Quote Wednesday Change



 When I first saw this quote, I broke down and cried. I was having such a difficult time, felt as though NO ONE understood and KNEW, just knew I couldn’t explain myself even if they would understand.  Life was on my side but I wasn’t on board. Fear had me paralyzed and I was headed for certain self-destruction.  So, yes, I survived the suicide attempt…

  Thank God, for the intervention of well-meaning friends, who got me to see a psychiatrist. I thought I was merely having a chat with a friend (as he was and still is a friend) and that because he was, first and foremost, a medical doctor, he was going to give me a physical (which my friends felt I needed). Now think about it, what person in their right mind would think they were going to see a psychiatrist to get a physical…  I wasn’t in my right mind and after a standard psychiatric evaluation, I had three diagnoses. I was severely depressed. I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and I was an integrated multiple personality. That last one answered more questions than I could even formulate at the time. But suffice it to say this was a major breakthrough in my life.

 Just because I had the diagnoses, didn’t mean I was out of the woods, but it meant I was closer to being able to find some sort of ‘normal’ in my life.  I was faced with some pretty big choices and as I was trying desperately to make the right decisions when I came across a poster with this quote.  At that point I began fighting for my life. Something inside of me recognized that  I had to be willing to risk changing because I could no longer stay locked in my mental and emotional prisons.

 That seems like so long ago and like yesterday all rolled into one.  Each and every day I have to make choices which impact outcomes. Yes, there are times when I find myself reacting strangely to some stimuli and it might take days before I realize that I am experiencing PTSD energy. That’s when  I can put my recovery techniques into play and regain my perspective.

 There is always the possibility that the depression can set in again so keeping a handle on my diet and spiritual energies are huge. I had used drugs and alcohol to self-medicate for so long that letting go of those crutches didn’t actually happen for a few more years.  By that time, I had learned quite a bit about alternative therapies and how to use them for my own healing. Now it’s been ten years clean and sober.

 The integration of the personalities? That’s a trip in and of itself because I can see the different sides of myself at times. Thanks to the memory of my sister (who is younger) I can clear up the difference between “dreams” and reality.  Some things I will never remember experiencing and that is a good thing.  I do remember some experiences but in ways that make them seem unreal.  Bit by bit, we have surmised the beginning of the dissociation,  however, there is no way to be sure when the actual integration took place.  If you look up Dissociative Personality Disorder, you will see that this can be attributed to a traumatic childhood experience. It’s pretty rare as is the spontaneous integration.

   Some days, I feel the need to stay in that bud. Other days I can bloom all over the place. I have learned to not beat myself up for my choices and the more I own that energy, the more I am willing to change. The more I am willing to change, the less frequently I stay tight in a bud.

it can be so hard

to accept that change is good

we must be willing

(c) Annette Rochelle Aben 



21 responses to “Writer’s Quote Wednesday Change

  1. Margot Kinberg

    This is powerful!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well written and inspiring. Nothing like knowing what’s wrong. It’s easier to handle that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. May your journey be full of growth and blessings, Annette.It sounds as though you’ve had a sometimes harrowing adventure.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so glad that you are now in happy place, and feel privileged to know you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That is one of my favourite quotes. I’m glad you have come to a place where you know yourself so well, that you can stop and reset to continue on your path for the day. You are an inspiration! Alexis

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Silver Threading

    Oh, Annette. I had tears reading this. I am so happy you were able to pull yourself away from the brink. Knowing yourself the way you do now… Wow! That is an amazing place to be. Just think about all the people that you influence with your writing. You are a true inspiration! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • How the suicide attempt was thwarted, is a story in and of itself… However, I am honored to possibly be able to help someone else with my writing, even if it is with what I wrote here. You know, I sat here with these words literally pouring onto the page. Then I sat here for about an hour, debating whether or not to publish. It’s all about change, right? People need to know that it is possible, even if you have experienced the unthinkable, your life CAN CHANGE for the better! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Silver Threading

        You said it. I think that is what writing is… sharing our thoughts and lives and invoking change through our words. That is a meaningful legacy. It’s interesting how many of us at one time were so self destructive. It might be part of the life journey, learning to overcome our demons. I know it was for me. 😉 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  7. What a powerful story, and quote by Anin, who I love. Your story is so inspiring Annette. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Debby. This is also National Mental Health month and while I didn’t want to bring everyone down with posting something like this, it felt right with the word prompt from Colleen and Ronovan. So few people have been aware of what my life has been like and so posting this has left me feeling vulnerable BIG time. But you know what? I believe this is what I needed to keep moving forward. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Indeed Annette. This wonderful community of friends and bloggers is the perfect place to let your hair down. Every person bears their own cross in some way or other. Don’t forget that artists are mostly sensitive people. 🙂 xo

        Liked by 1 person

  8. A strong piece, sensativity often hides behind a wide smile.A good post for this month especially. Keep moving forward you are a survivor.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Change is such a difficult step to take, especially when you have hung onto something else for so long. Thank you for sharing x

    Liked by 1 person

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