When I first saw this quote, I broke down and cried. I was having such a difficult time, felt as though NO ONE understood and KNEW, just knew I couldn’t explain myself even if they would understand. Life was on my side but I wasn’t on board. Fear had me paralyzed and I was headed for certain self-destruction. So, yes, I survived the suicide attempt…
Thank God, for the intervention of well-meaning friends, who got me to see a psychiatrist. I thought I was merely having a chat with a friend (as he was and still is a friend) and that because he was, first and foremost, a medical doctor, he was going to give me a physical (which my friends felt I needed). Now think about it, what person in their right mind would think they were going to see a psychiatrist to get a physical… I wasn’t in my right mind and after a standard psychiatric evaluation, I had three diagnoses. I was severely depressed. I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and I was an integrated multiple personality. That last one answered more questions than I could even formulate at the time. But suffice it to say this was a major breakthrough in my life.
Just because I had the diagnoses, didn’t mean I was out of the woods, but it meant I was closer to being able to find some sort of ‘normal’ in my life. I was faced with some pretty big choices and as I was trying desperately to make the right decisions when I came across a poster with this quote. At that point I began fighting for my life. Something inside of me recognized that I had to be willing to risk changing because I could no longer stay locked in my mental and emotional prisons.
That seems like so long ago and like yesterday all rolled into one. Each and every day I have to make choices which impact outcomes. Yes, there are times when I find myself reacting strangely to some stimuli and it might take days before I realize that I am experiencing PTSD energy. That’s when I can put my recovery techniques into play and regain my perspective.
There is always the possibility that the depression can set in again so keeping a handle on my diet and spiritual energies are huge. I had used drugs and alcohol to self-medicate for so long that letting go of those crutches didn’t actually happen for a few more years. By that time, I had learned quite a bit about alternative therapies and how to use them for my own healing. Now it’s been ten years clean and sober.
The integration of the personalities? That’s a trip in and of itself because I can see the different sides of myself at times. Thanks to the memory of my sister (who is younger) I can clear up the difference between “dreams” and reality. Some things I will never remember experiencing and that is a good thing. I do remember some experiences but in ways that make them seem unreal. Bit by bit, we have surmised the beginning of the dissociation, however, there is no way to be sure when the actual integration took place. If you look up Dissociative Personality Disorder, you will see that this can be attributed to a traumatic childhood experience. It’s pretty rare as is the spontaneous integration.
Some days, I feel the need to stay in that bud. Other days I can bloom all over the place. I have learned to not beat myself up for my choices and the more I own that energy, the more I am willing to change. The more I am willing to change, the less frequently I stay tight in a bud.